Dancing With The Girl

Long time, no blog? Yes sir – women, dances and a ton of university work. But besides that, between this post and the previous one, lies a phase of life that shouldn’t necessarily have happened but none the less, has enlightened my brain with quite a few pointers on life and women. Here’s the issue – I fall for the wrong girls. The nicer you are the less I am attracted to you. The more appropriate you are, the less I am attracted to you. The crazier you are, the more attracted I am to you. The more eccentrically messed up you are, the more I am attracted to you. I am attracted to those that fascinate me. Sounds good and all? Not really. The fascinating ones I am attracted to are the ones that screw me over. Intentionally or unintentionally? I don’t know – that makes it worse. Add that to my attachment issues and you get a bomb waiting to explode. Your friends warn you to STAY AWAY, and how much ever you respect their opinion, you do exactly the opposite. Hope + Hormones are powerful forces. The “chase” is even more powerful.

Now this “chase” is more than just stalking a random girl – that’s pure, hopeless, horny-ness. This “chase” is more hopeful. There is an undeniable “something”. That spark that you know exists is what makes it interesting. It’s not entirely one way. It might be dominated by one side, but that response from the other side is what sustains the “chase”. Then what gets added to the “chase” is this crazy mind game. Fun fun? No. I suck at mind games. I am too darn open and thus, always hand the leash to the other. I need to learn the game, or devise a new kick-ass one instead. This “chase” does sometime end and transcend into a more fruitful, stable phase, but at other times you get bulldozer-ed over. Either way, you cannot deny the pleasure of the pursuit.

I, like you, also, cannot deny the fun either. In this “chase” of mine, it wasn’t as if I was Mr Perfect and she messed up, I did some stupid things too (nothing unfaithful you drama-seeking mis-judgers). My over-emotional emotions got the better of my general emotions and I let those bastardic emotions control me. Not smart. I over-analyzed and over-thought everything. I over-said everything I felt. I was over-honest. None of that really works. What’s worse is that this situation made me say stupid, dramatic things. It unleashed this sense of immaturity that I thought didn’t exist in me. If I had ever seen someone else say the things I did say, I would have ridiculed that person’s bum off. I felt stupid and said stupid, immature, snappy, unreasonable, over-dramatic, attention-deriving things. That’s scary. But what I am super-scared of is the type of girls I am falling for. There was no real good reason to like this girl and I shouldn’t have. We are two extremes of the spectrum of humanity. We wouldn’t get along and were not getting along. But I did fall for her! I really hope it is some combination bad luck and hormones.

Anyway, “things” did happen and things did fall apart. All for the good, eh? I think so. My friends turned out to be right, and my counselor back in Dubai helped me take it all out in addition to showering her wise words of wisdom on me. My sister told me to buy this book and I told myself to try and never succumb to my emotions again. I regret some things I said and I regret some things that happened, but I learnt a ton. Good enough.

P.S. Maybe a little too personal, this post is not intended to harm anyone. Writing helps.