Worn Out

University has this automatic churning machine. It’s this stationary, relentless monster that can obliterate anything that walks into it. But, the amount of damage it does is directly related to how far ahead you venture. You could be all merry and chilled, going to classes once in a while, participating in some student org, partying hard and still eventually make it through college with a solid degree. The churning machine barely scathes you then. But, on the other hand, you could take eighteen hours a semester, go to all your friggin’ classes, work for a whopping twenty hours every week, become an officer of  couple of dominating student organizations on campus AND party hard. This is when the true, brute force of the churning machine starts inflicting its blades on you. It’s selective, obviously – more of a voluntary thing. You don’t have to step into this destructive little machine. But people do. The churning might be mighty painful, but once you have been churned and NOT broken down, the output of the churn-ation is splendid, or I hope so.

I feel like I am in that churning phase, slogging through with the only motivating factor being that it’s all for the greater good. I am tired and worn out but because of good things, so it’s not really a problem. But sometimes, you just feel like lying down, listening to music, spending time with family, having no real responsibilities and having just not give a rat’s about anyone or anything. That seems really elusive, more of a pipe dream, right now. There is always something to do or something that can be done that will ‘help my cause’. Rest beyond a certain, minimal limit is almost a mortal sin. Extra “chilling” brings with it blade-like guilt. It’s so frustrating at times that thinking of the worst barely bothers you. But again, it’s a phase. A churning phase of the brain. Ideally, it should be something I should be thankful for – the opportunities I have are endless. But screw idealism. I just want to chill. Soon enough, hopefully.

P.S. I’m all talk and no play at times – I say I will chill, but I’ll do exactly the opposite, for the greater good of course. That commitment is no where close to being shaken – some things are important and need to be done. When/if ever that philosophy suffers, I have something to worry about. So, this basically is a meaningless, therapeutic vent.